American Horror Story: Coven

"A young girl, Zoe, is shattered to discover she possesses a strange genetic affliction tracing back to the dark days of Salem. Zoe is whisked away to Miss Robichaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies, a mysterious school in New Orleans devoted to safeguarding the few remaining descendants who share this unique bloodline. Harboring a secret agenda, Fiona Goode, the most powerful witch of their generation, returns to town, reigniting old rivalries with the Coven's deadly enemies, the Voodoo."

"American Horror Story" is back with a third season! Meh. To be honest, I've been so caught up in horror movie reviews that I'd forgotten it even existed. I rarely watch television anyway if I can possibly help it.

Although I didn't like the second season as much as the first, and I didn't know they'd made another one until it suddenly appeared last night, I felt duty bound to at least watch the first episode and ogle Sarah Paulson. I'll not be watching any more until I can buy the whole thing on DVD because I loathe commercial breaks with every fibre of my being.

If "Coven" isn't enough of a clue for you, the oh-so-witty title of the first episode—"Bitchcraft"—reveals that this season is all about witches. Think of it as "The Craft" meets "Harry Potter" meets "Suspiria" meets "The Skeleton Key" with lots more pop-culture witchcraft references thrown in for nerds on message boards to feel clever about spotting. As it's set in New Orleans, it's probably also going to have a ton of Anne Rice stuff in it which I'm never likely to notice.

The biggest news is that Kathy Bates has joined the ensemble cast as the notorious serial killer Delphine LaLaurie, who is so "notorious" that I had to use Google to find out who she was. Call me ignorant if you like, but I don't know anything about famous American witches other than the place name of the Salem witch trials, and I could count the serial killers I've heard of on the fingers of one hand. Neither is really my thing. Aside from what I've learned from movies, I have about as much interest in witches, serial killers, or American history as I have in sticking an unpeeled orange up my arse.

As far as I can tell from one episode and the trailers, "Coven" looks like it's going to be a taco fiesta, In other words, it's severely lacking in any male characters who aren't disposable. Evan Peters turned up just to be killed off (thank you!), but with the knowledge that Lily Rabe's character can resurrect the dead (even though she was killed off too!), he's bound to return. Be prepared to see your Twitter feed explode with angry trending Tweets from Evan Peters' tweenage fangirls if he doesn't!

Obviously, my least favourite horror clique in the world are already stomping their little feet with glee and squealing about "Girl Power", and that's more than enough to put most horror fans off "Coven". But let them have their moment away from making sandwiches because you can guarantee that very bad things are going to happen to the witches in this show. One of them (played by Emma Roberts) has already been gang-raped by frat boys, another burnt at the stake, and I can easily predict the poetic justice that will end Jessica Lange's career as a "Supreme" witch. I'm thinking it will be the same as the end of Hammer's "She" (1965) but with better effects.

For those who stay with it, "Coven" promises to be another mixture of unpolitically correct dialogue and MA-14 situations which push the limits of what the TV censors normally allow. Based on previous seasons, I highly doubt that there will be any taboo subject which is too distasteful for them to cover, especially as the return of the Down Syndrome girl from the first season and the morbidly obese star of "Precious" (2009) complete this Ryan Murphy/Brad Falchuk freakshow. Hopefully, there'll actually be some horror in it this time too!

"American Horror Story: Coven" will air every Wednesday on FX at 10pm. Check out the official website for further details.

American Horror Story: Asylum

"Welcome to Briarcliff Manor, a notorious insane asylum home to the deranged serial killer, Bloody Face. Lurking in the shadows of this sanctuary of healing are terrifying evils that blur the boundaries between reality..."

In case you missed the TV event of the year, "American Horror Story" returned to the FX channel last night with a completely different story and characters to the first season. This time it's all about a Catholic mental asylum in 1964, alien abductions, and crazy experiments. Alas, there are no more Harmons, Langdons or hot maids, but just another confusing mess to start working out over the coming weeks.

I didn't find the first episode to be so instantly engaging or even half as interesting as before although, with a lot of new cast members, it's too early to tell how this will go.

While I'm pleased to see Sarah Paulson in a bigger part which promises some sapphic sauciness, I'm sure all the fangirls are now ecstatic that Evan Peters is also back in a new role. He's playing a killer who can't remember anything so no big change there.

Of course, the big draw, since she's won a few TV awards, is the return of Jessica Lange. Now she's a nun with an agenda which will surely become more obvious as the story continues.

With its distinct lack of supernatural elements, I doubt that I'll watch "American Horror Story" every week this time. I'm not into space aliens or nutters, and I already have a bad feeling that it's going to become a generic slasher at the end.

Nip/Tuck (2003–2010)

"Nip/Tuck is an American drama series created by Ryan Murphy, which aired on FX in the United States. The series focuses on McNamara/Troy, a plastic surgery practice, and follows its founders, Sean McNamara and Christian Troy. Each episode typically involves the cosmetic procedures of one or more patients, and also features the personal and professional lives of its main cast."

Basically, because I'm lazy, I've spent the last couple of days watching episodes of "Nip/Tuck" via Netflix. I bought the first two seasons as box sets a couple of years ago but never completed the collection as I used to watch "Nip/Tuck" religiously every week when I was still in England and the episodes were still too fresh in my mind. Now that it's all long since over, it's been a lot of fun revisiting some of the early episodes again though I've also realised that it was all a load of crap after the third season with "The Carver". They just couldn't match that season and the fourth one was supposed to be the last.

Someone high-up must have got a bit too greedy because season five completely jumped the shark by moving everything (and, seemingly, everybody) from Miami to Los Angeles. The internal logic of the show, such as it was, went downhill from then on but, like a lot of people, I was addicted and still watched it even though it was often cringeworthy.

Since I'm also in the habit of critiquing everything now, I might as well cover a few things which stood out. Obviously "Nip/Tuck" wasn't really horror even though the practical effects were definitely up there with the best that any horror film had to offer. I don't think there was a single episode without a load of blood and gore and, if it ever failed to deliver there, it also had a ton of increasingly depraved sex in it as well.

Dylan Walsh has since gone on to do "The Stepfather" remake which I mostly enjoyed but I think he was far more convincing as Sean McNamara. Similarly, Julian McMahon will always be Christian Troy to me even though he starred in those appalling "Fantastic Four" movies and a few episodes of "Charmed". The trouble is that if you play the same part for the number of years that these guys did then it's pretty hard to not be associated with that character forever. To give another example, Sarah Michelle Gellar will also always be Buffy to me although David Boreanaz seems to have escaped being Angel with his role as Agent Booth on "Bones".

Talking of "Bones", I was amused to see T.J. Thyne (who plays Hodgins) in one of season two's episodes where he was playing a smart-mouthed video store clerk. Christian had gone to get a video to watch with his blind girlfriend. Yes, I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense out of context. Actually, that's the problem with a lot of the "Nip/Tuck" episodes and their strength as well. If you actually try to tell anyone how ridiculous and extreme the stories became then they'd think you were watching some kind of really bad comedy. As much as I can believe that all the actors involved must have laughed their asses off at what they were doing, it all came across as serious and sometimes very moving.

There were only a couple of things which used to annoy me about "Nip/Tuck", well, one really, I really couldn't stand Joely Richardson. Her character, Julia McNamara, always seemed to have only one of two responses to everything. Either she was touching her neck or thrusting her head forward like a chicken gasping. I never saw the attraction that she was supposed to have for the male characters in the show but I suppose that's why they call it acting.

My favourite character was Gina (played by Jessalyn Gilsig) though every actor and actress in the show demonstrated that they really could act. It still amazes me how things that were set up from the pilot episode continued throughout all 100 and the characters remained very consistent. That was damn fine drama even though the famous writers' strike almost destroyed season five and season six was ridiculously tame in comparison to the rest. "Nip/Tuck" should have ended with season four, of course, and that's why it went out more with a fizzle than a real bang.

Anyway, I just thought I'd post something again about my non-horror viewing habits to add a bit of variety to my blog. I'm certain that I'm not the only horror blogger who watched "Nip/Tuck" though. With all the murders, rapes, mental illnesses and various mutilations that went on in the show, I don't feel ashamed that I watched what some people might consider a bit of a girls' TV show. I also used to watch "Desperate Housewives" for much the same reason but again, since the writers' strike, it never really recovered and I've lost all interest in it now.

Did you watch "Nip/Tuck"? If so, what were your favourite moments? Or do you have some other guilty pleasure TV show which you always watch?